today
May 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
visited *loading* times
I cant help but feel like it has been forever since my last post, probably because it has been. I dont even know where to begin I honestly feel that by letting Stace go I have made a huge mistake that I will regret down the road, shit I already regret it now I have no idea what I am doing right now with anything. I have never felt so complete with one person. I have tried to be with others since her but it just isn't the same. when she looks me in the eyes my heart melts I think it may be a while before I find that again, who knows though. I dont even know what is going to happen tomorrow let alone a couple years from now. I wouldnt be surprised though if this time away from each other is what we need to figure things out for the future. She has turned everything I knew upside down. I have never been so skeptically sure of something. I know I love her with all my heart I know I would do anything for her but it is almost like I convince myself against it, that I subconciously I do not want it to work because I fear what that could mean. I look around on campus and I see couples and i think how lucky they are to have that special bond and when I have it I shit on it and then throw it away.
I need to get out of this. I feel like a mouse playing on his little wheel, running his heart out but for what purpose? All of his strength in one single objective, but his wheel continues to turn and his attempts continue to roll with it. I feel like I am trapped not wanting to go not wanting to leave. You have made me a better person in this short time I ahve known you but this cannot last. If we continue it you know how it will end, if you conform to what I want then you will give up what you want. I have been pretending not to mind but I do and after today I am pretty confident that you not only see it but you share my views. This may be something special, this may be the best thing in the world but niether one of us are prepared for what we have. All I think about when I'm with you is how happy you make me but how wrong this is, when you are gone it suddenly becomes the ladder and the ladder only. I know what I have to do and I would be a liar if I told you I had the ability to do it with no regrets but that is not the issue here. The issue is that what I do assure you is done for you, done for your innocence and done for the sole reason that I love you.
GRAGH!!! You little pricks drive me nuts I hate this false leadership crap. All this is to me is a bunch of five year old kids playing house and 30 fucking people trying to be the daddy. I can't take this shit anymore if this is my future I need to replan things because I can't stand incompetency.
Your lips speak nothing but sweetness and kind words though your eyes tell a different story. Your malice towards me has unknown origins and is strongly disliked. Though you think I am ignorant of your feelings I assure you I'm not. I can see through you better than you give me credit for, I see your strengths and I see your weakness. I wish I knew what caused this animosity towards me so I could correct it. Is it that your envious of what we have? Do you feel I have taken her from you? All of this would make sense and I would be compassionate to your cause but at this point all I know is your brown eyes that pierce into my own.
My teacher cancelled class today which was nice because I really didn't feel like going. I wish my Composition teacher would do that a little more often that class is absurd. The things we do in there I swear I did in middle school and my first year highschool but there are people in there that have no clue what's going on. I know that there are different calibers of people out there but jee whiz I honestly think the world would run a hell of a lot smoother if everyone was more self aware. Aware of the capabilities, aware of their flaws, aware of what makes them a good person and what makes them a bad person. I'm not claiming to be perfect but I have a pretty good grasp on what I am and am not capable of. Which is exactly why I'm so damn arrogant 
I sit here and try to write in tribute to you but nothing comes to mind. Not that you or your perfection is not inspiring but that nothing accentuates how wonderful you are.
Well I ended it, it wasn't easy but I did it.
How can something so right and so perfect be exactly what I don't need This has been all I have been thikning about today no one has touched me like she has in such a short period of time she has altered my entire out look on life and changed me for the better but if she knew what i have been doing behind her back... ... she wouldnt think so highly of me i think what it is is hta we are trying to make friendship into something more but that doesnt explain enough for me why does she make me feel the way she does i know its not love because if it was i wouldnt be seeing other girls there definitely is something special about her and it has taken its affect on me gragh! cognition is miserably beautiful ability
Sitting here at the empty pool things have been really great with stace lately a little too great for me Im not used to one person making me so happy its definitely a good thing.
I dont like your condescending manner, I think it is in your best interest to correct yourself. I am not some average punk kid that you can trample on, you can define it as arrogance, a chip on the shoulder, an attitude problem but no matter what you call it it still is the reason that i am successful it is still the reason that I never quit, it still is the reason that when adversity is breathing down my neck, pain aching in and out that I push on. So say what you wish, for you and i both know that I am the better than you and thats all you have against me. So look me in the eye when you insult me, make me turn away. I assure you my friend that i turn away not from fear of your spineless stare, i turn away out of deference. For I know that in this battle standing my ground would be a lost fight, the aces are in your hand not mine. I accept this for what it is though it doesn't make me happy so enjoy your time at the top because you my friend are burning bridges, stabbing backs and the worst of all... ...destroying morale.
Good lord almighty, have I been busy lately. This whole "doing well in school" thing is a lot of work, whoever thought it would be so time consuming. Seriously though I have been dedicating mad hours to my school work it seems like its paying off.
Well my dear friends, school is back in session and I have definitely hit the ground running. With readings building up I am doing pretty good at maintaining a side paper for a friend, and keeping ahead of my classes. Comp 2 is going to kill me, I know it is, I already don't like my teacher. For class today she read the syllabus, thats it. I don't mean she paraphrased it, she gave us the abridged version. No folks, I mean, SHE READ THE DAMN SYLLABUS VER-FUCKING-BATIM. Ugh! That was a killer. Ever get the feeling that you're digging yourself a hole? I think that's what I am doing right now with the girl situation, definitely am starting to feel that hole starting to cave in too. But I keep digging, what can I say I like chicks.
Good thing that when I plan ahead I incorporate procastination of else I would be screwed, right doc? You'll have your paper and I'll have my pride.
But mommy I dont wanna go to school......
Hope everything went well with everyone's holidays and all of you were safe, safe in the sense that you didn't get hurt not safe in the sense you used a rubber, I could care less if you used a rubber or not because that means you got something I didnt for xmas so damn you! Anyway, my family is crazy and I'm glad that I only have to see them for this part of the year. By the time the holidays are through all their idiosyncracies are in full blown effect and very difficult to avoid. My mom is acting fucking nuts with stories manifested in her head that emberass the shit out of you partly because they never happened and if you tell her that she may implode, my dad becomes a time bomb for the same reason we all do, my mom. My older brother becomes real quiet and very short like he doesnt want to be around, my second oldest brother doesn't want to be around.... ...so he leaves or if he stays hes a jackass and its hilarious (probably the best part of the holiday season) my sister tends to her fat ass boyfriend who all wish would go away and paul my twin gets so jealous that the attention isnt on him he reverts to old childish ways of getting attention like hitting you until you yell at him or something me. and for me? I'm just fucking nuts all year around but pretend to be nice and patient over the holidays. But ohh yes the holiday season family time, I think they should change it to The holidays season "a domestic version of your favorite reality TV show Survivor" Sorry I havent been posting a lot lately I dont have a computer of my own so I kinda just do it when I'm around one, Hope I'm not losing my fans ;)
Well I hope all you people had a great xmas! Mine was nothing special, we don't go all out on the holidays. But I did get a digital camera so that's pretty cool. Now I can finally sell my body online the proper way.
|
You Are a Warrior Soul |
You're a strong person and sometimes seen as intimidating. You don't give up. You're committed and brave. Truly adventuresome, you are not afraid of going to battle. Extremely protective of loved ones, you root for the underdog. You are picky about details and rigorous in your methods. You also value honesty and fairness a great deal. You can be outspoken, intimidating, headstrong, and demanding. You're a hardliner who demands the best from themselves and others. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul |
Ice scicles on toes
dont forget, snot on the nose
Puking Now! This Blows!
Well lately I seem to be going through girls as fast as I go through a pack of oatmeal bars (takes minutes, they're so good). Stace and I called it off she just can't grasp the fact that I am an atheist, ohh well. I am annoyed by this because she was a cool chick and I really think that we would have been good together. It's tough because she's pretty much everything I want in a chick. She wants me to still call her and be close to her though. I dont know how that is going to work. I have never met someone before that when I look them in the eyes I just want to hold them and when I hold them I want nothing more but to kiss them. It's a very new feeling for me, ergh.
Ugh another slow day "a la piscina". This is boring but on the brighter side I'm getting paid right now to blog on my journal, pretty sweet huh? Last night I took out a Navy SEAL commander who has helped this last year in my training. He is leaving for Iraq to be in charge of operations over there, he has been a great inspiration to me on my journey to be a SEAL, it's very sad to see him go. We took him out to WingHouse (kinda like hooters) get him some final TNA before he departs from us. My student organization, Special Operations Club, (SOC) made him a plaque wishing him the best of luck and thank him for all tha the has done for us. I dont have the words to really say how dissapointed I am to see him leave.
Well guys I'm here at work, no one else is here so I'm bored. Things have been going very smoothly for me lately, no problems that are devestating. Other than the fact that my stupid peach for a public speaking teacher gave me a low grade.... ...stupid bitch
Went out with stacy last night we went and saw "oceans 12" that movie was bad ass! I suggest you see it, we had a great time. I'm just digging myself a grave guys that's all im doing.
This is a guy being honest right here, feel free to judge. Apart of the reason why I haven't said good bye to Chazz is sex I know I can get it with her. With this other girl shes very wholesome and I don't stand a chance. That's what bothers me if I were to get involved with her it would be a relationship, not that I would mind that at all with her. It's just that's a lot of effort for an already busy person. I'm not worried about being viewed as a bad person with you guys, so that's honestly what's holding me back.
Well here's the predicament laides and fellas, I'm being scandalous right now. Because since Chazz yelled at me I'm remaing skeptical on how long things will last between us, and one of the girls that has talked to me is really something else. She doesn't know that I'm seeing Chazz and Chazz of course doesn't know about her. I haven't done anything with this other girl, her name is Stacy she's one of the twins I wrote about earlier. Absolutely beautiful, sweet, so much fun, someone you would want to take home to your parents. I can't hide that I'm interested shes already noticed that bit, it wasn't hard to notice. But now I don't want to say good bye to her or to Chazz. I'm being very bad right now.
Well after she officially pissed me off a week and a half ago she finally called and apologized. Which is good because I sure as shit wasn't calling her anytime soon. I missed her but I refused to step down, I had not done anything wrong so therefore did not find the need to intiate the making up. In that week period I had a lot to think about and I have learned that girls know when a guy is suddenly on the market.
Well ladies and gentlemen, I'm an idiot. I stayed up all night last night working diligently on all final that I thought had to be a ten page paper. Reading several books on the topic and doing lots and lots of research I thought I was ready but was struggling to make it to the full 10 pages. Well comes to fucking find out that it was THREE FUCKING PAGES!!!!
I have no Idea whats going on right now.
Yeah, I have been seeing this girl for a bit now I know I wrote about her , her name is Chassidy (Chaz). She's 23 attractive, athletic, fun, very inteligent. Yea and trust me I am aware of the risks of dating a twin considering I am one.
Following my weekly tradation of meeting my older bro on campus at the library, making fun of people as usual and as usual there are plenty of people to make fun of here. Tampa just has some really weird people, I don't mean red neck people weird
I mean like what the hell happened to you weird. Man, I'm really insensitive. I love flirting with the cute twins that work at starbucks though that's definitely a plus. It was so easy to start up a conversation with them too, since I have a twin myself I just eased in there. Which is bad I shouldn't be doign that since I gotta girlfriend but I am just starting to have the ability to talk to girls in any situation and it's just flirting it's not like we go to the back room and have hot passionate sex because that would be awful, no it wouldn't.
I love you guys
Template by Splinder.com | header image credit: Markus Gann © www.begann.de